Go read the quote to the left right now. Done? Okay, read it again.
And again and again and again until the truth of that statement starts echoing in your brain.
Trust me on this.
Over the last 8 months or so, I have been learning one of the most difficult lessons of life. One I didn't even know I was being taught until it was over and I could look back on the entire experience as a whole. And to be honest, its a path i'm still on and still navigating. Its a lesson I haven't completely understood yet - but i'm getting there.
So what on earth am I even talking about?? Well the story starts with a boy (don't they all...) and ends without one. Left is a heartbroken girl who gave everything she had to someone that decided it was never enough, and never would be. Have you ever given someone so much that you feel like if you walk away you would lose it all? Everything you had, you gave to someone with a heart unable to conceive that kind of love from you. So where do you go when you let down all your guard walls and gave your heart away? When the emotional pain is so intense it manifests itself physically? When you are sure your heart could never heal and you will never be the same?
You trust.
You trust yourself. You trust your feelings. You trust instincts. You trust the universe. You trust the energy surrounding you. Because, if no one has ever told you before, you are in a lot less control than you think you are. To be clear, that is not me saying all your dreams will land in your lap and you wont have to do any work for it, because that is the farthest thing from the truth. Rather, this is me saying that things in life happen, and the wrong people will enter your life. But they're not "wrong" people. They're a person occupying a role in your life that isn't meant for them, but that doesn't mean this person held no meaning or importance in your life. We come into contact with many people in our lives that wont be there for long and might not take on the role we wanted for them, but without a doubt, there will be a lesson from your experience. For me, I didn't want to confront this idea at all during my most difficult days. I never wanted to think that this guy was anything but meant for me. But I reached a point where I decided I wouldn't allow myself to break my own heart anymore. I won't let someone else dictate who I am or how I feel about myself. I accepted the situation as it was. But it didn't happen overnight- it happened over months. Many painful months actually. And when I talk to my friends about this, a lot of the time they get confused when I tell them I knew the reality of the situation far before I decided to stand up for myself.
"Why did you wait if you knew"?
"Why would you hurt yourself more than needed"?
No, im not stupid. I wasn't wrapped around his finger. I was just so engrossed in the love I felt for him that I didn't care if I was hurting myself, and its sad but sometimes thats what we think love looks like. But sacrificing pieces of your soul to fuel someone else is NOT what love looks like. Its nothing close.
When I realized I was losing myself instead of gaining him, the lesson became a bit clearer, and I was left with this:
Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.
Our wants don't know whats best for us. They are desires we experience in fleeting moments. They won't always lead you where you need to be, and once you realize you don't always get to dictate whether want you want is right for you, you will oddly feel a little freer. You just have to trust the universe and trust who you are.
Some times I still cry. Sometimes I still wonder why I couldn't be enough. But I don't regret it. Never will. How could I regret something that taught me a lesson I will forever be thankful for? I didn't get what I wanted, but I got something so much better.
I got myself back.
*All images found on pinterest. They do not belong to me.*
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