When trying to learn about our personal, individual anxieties, it is incredibly important to understand that you have never made too much progress for a bad day. I am literally writing this after 1 ½ hours of trying to pull myself out of an anxiety attack. So, today’s post is a little more personal than my last, but I’m not ashamed or scared. Sharing my own experiences helps me sort through my own thoughts, which is amazing, but it also has the potential to help other people with their struggles. That gives me the strength alone to talk about my insecurities. So let’s get real, let’s get personal, let’s get deep, and most importantly… we’re gonna get realllll honest.
The alarm goes off, and the sound slowly becomes louder as I’m awaking from a sleepy daze. I roll over and hit the snooze button, knowing I have another alarm set for 10 minutes later. It’s fine, I’ll just sleep a little longer, I’ll feel better in 10 minutes.
Well those 10 minutes went by in a flash, and those beautiful, incredibly obnoxious alarm sounds began ringing again. Ugh. This time I can’t snooze it or I’ll be late. Okay it’s fine, I’ll stay in bed on my phone for a few more minutes, then I’ll be good.
I checked the clock every 30 seconds, hoping that time would just slow down. 5 minutes become 4, then 3,2,1…okay girl, now you have to get up. Just get up and go. Just do it…
But I couldn’t. It felt like my mind was telling me one thing, and my body was yelling the exact opposite. I was involved in a battle against myself, and it felt like either way, I couldn’t win. If I somehow got myself out the door and went to class, I’d be an anxious mess and on the verge of tears the entire time. And if I succumbed to my anxiety, I’d feel like a failure and a wimp for not being strong enough to push through. And let me tell you, feeling like a failure is a very heavy weight to be carrying on your shoulders all day long. I mean, its draining. Like “unplug the bath tub and the water pours out” kind of draining.
That was such a bad joke. I cringed when I read it.
Anyways, my point is that bad days happen. They exist, and if we’re being realistic (a common theme in my posts *wink wink*), they happen often. I mean, 2 out of the last 4 days I’ve struggled. And as a writer that shares coping mechanisms and ways to work through anxiety, admitting that I’m not perfect is a little scary. I want to be a role model for my audience, and having 50% of this week be full of anxiety doesn’t really give me the confidence I’m looking for. In fact, it feels like a big bully yelling “you’re not good enough, just give up now” right in my ear. If I can’t practice what I preach…what good am I?
“Well”, she said, head tilted to the skies,
I seem to have forgotten who I was born to be” – Seeker
You are so good. So full of love and laughter. A glowing star in human form, that shines no matter what gets in its way. You have purpose, you have overflowing worth, you are here for a reason. The universe makes no mistakes. You are no mistake. Every stride you take is spectacular. Every time you fall down and get back up is inspiring. Never dismiss the miracle that is your beating heart because it seems small compared to how the stars kiss the moon goodnight. You reflect a thousand suns in your smile, and rainbows dance through the waves in your hair. You are the universe scaled down to a single person. You are so good.
Sometimes we forget that even clouds cry when the weight just becomes too heavy. That avalanches can break from just a little crack, and flowers bloom and fall. Nature is in constant evolution. What makes you think that your bad days are any more unnatural than a hurricane? Why do you feel like after one setback there will be no breakthrough, when storms brew to reveal the sun again? You deserve to feel just as valid as the changing seasons.
It's so easy to fall into the habit of believing if we're anything less than perfect, then we're nothing at all. Society has conditioned us to view perfection as the standard. We see flawless celebrities on the red carpet and air bushed models on every magazine cover, both clothed in a confidence we feel we'll never have. We notice other's beauty, yet can't recognize our own. Say your friend came to you and opened up about feeling insecure, you wouldn't point out all the reasons why they're right! You would help them take a different perspective and work through this. You would talk about out all the extraordinary things about them and surround them with love...
Now instead of the person being your friend, pretend its you. You wake up feeling really anxious and can't quite get a handle on things. What’s going through your head? If you're like me, you're probably saying things such as "why can't you just be a normal person and get to class", or "stop being so pathetic". Being stuck in an anxious moment can make it so easy to turn on yourself...but that’s just not fair.
You hear that?
It is not fair to deprive yourself of love, especially on the days you need it the most. That's when you need to hold your own hand, and remind yourself of the light that's within you, just as you would any friend. You're not being conceited. You're recognizing that your legs are tired from all the steps they've taken, and that today they need a little peace. Rest is a necessary component to being successful at anything. Ask a marathon runner, a singer, a chef, or a mom. They all would say that they would be incapable of displaying the magic they do without being able to have time away from their jobs. Life is no different. Sometimes you need a day where the world doesn't exist beyond your bed. And in the simplest terms, you’re recharging so you can be strong tomorrow. That’s a good thing. Its simply self- care.
So remember that having days where 10 more minutes in bed doesn't fix everything does not mean you're failing. It means you're finding your strength again. There's no limit to how many times you can rediscover the strength in your soul and the magic in your heart. And isn't that kinda beautiful? We can fall back in love with ourselves infinitely. Everyday.
Fall down 9 times, get up 10. That's the most beautiful love letter ever written.
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